What’s Going On Here?
Alright Everyone, I need a short twitter style story (140 characters) or so from each of you about what’s going on in the following photo. What do you think? Thanks to @zackschwank for the inspiration and check out www.photobomb.com if you like this sort of nonsense. (I do!)
C’mon—-What’s happening? Leave your caption in the comments.
The best caption will win a personal email response from me that says “Hey, Good job! You are super funny and creative. It’s people like you that make therealmattminor blog “successful”. Have a fantastic , wonderful, meaningful, day. – sincerly, therealmattminor
Santa revealed and other oddities
First I have to start out the blog by giving myself a literary pat-on-the-back. For the 4 people who read every blog posting you will know that I have been right about 2 things I’ve written about. I posted “A Letter to Kate” weeks ago. Well guess what? Kate has a new hairstyle now. I also wrote about the comeback of Whitney Houston. I was dead on! I’m telling you folks. This is more than a blog.
Ok….Enough of all that. This week has been one of the strangest on record for me, at the very least it has been the strangest in this most recent season of sobriety. I realize that 7 or 8 of you are wanting me to skip all the chatter and get to the details on Santa. In due time, In due time. Here are just a few crazy observations from the past several days. All captured with my iphone.
rebel without a cause
Note to businesses, museums, and zoos that have large aquariums. If you put a huge sign on your fish tank that says “Please do not tap on the glass” you are going to need to purchase lots of Windex and paper towels. You are only waking the rebel in all of us. When I saw this from across the room it was like I went into a trance. I instantly heard “Enter Sandman” by Metallica playing in my head. I was also smoking a camel non-filter and riding a Harley across the room. The truth is that I’m in my 30’s, I was wearing a back-pack, I’m in my thirties, and I drive a Ford Taurus. (I was also in a Barnes and Noble) What a Rebel!
I saw this on 565 in Huntsville. I never realized that a Dodge Stratus needed extra downforce to maintain traction on the back wheels.
Note to Stratus Owners – You do not need a fin on your car. You especially don’t need a fin that was meant for a Dodge Neon.
Note to the owner of this car- Thank You for doing this. I have never felt so cocky and cool in my 1997 Taurus. You made me realize that the Taur-Cedes isn’t the only car in the world that says “Hey everybody, look at me, I’ve given up on my dreams”.
"People Must Know the Truth!"
Eastwood Chic-Fil-A Men’s Bathroom. Farthest stall from the door. The “Etching” on the toilet paper holder reads – “Christian Rock is a contradiction in terms and moreover the artists are hypocrites”
Note to angry pooper- Dear sir – you really believe in spreading your message. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to CARVE your message in a toilet paper dispenser with a knife of some sort. I’m sure that the 4 or 5 guys a day who spend time in that stall will leave converted by your manifesto. You do have a point though. Christian artists are hypocrites. The Christians who make albums but who do not qualify as artists are hypocrites too. I sir am also a hypocrite. I think that might be the point of the whole “Jesus was the only sinless, perfect man” thing. As for your anger towards christian rock, you my friend have apparently never listened to Stryper. Go buy “To Hell With The Devil” when you get off work, But please stick to making waffle fries with your energy. It’s obvious you work here.
Ok, Now the part you’ve been waiting on, Santa. So yesterday I’m sitting in my office and noticed someone walk in. I looked up casually and saw….. Santa Claus. “Um…..”I said…”can I help you?” Santa begin to ask about the nature of my business and wanted to check into getting some video work done. I thought “hey this is odd (the poetic device I just used is called hyperbole)”, .
I just laughed it all off in a “yeah right” kind of way. The problem is that he, (Santa) didn’t budge. He stayed in character. I carried on with the “ok..sure” attitude so much that he began to act offended. He made me feel like I was being completely disrespectful. So I stopped. I decided to play along. In my head I’m thinking “holy crap. What if this is really Santa?” We have a huge map in our office. It helps us plan much of the international work we do and plan video shoots. He said “Matt, (I did not tell him my name) do you mind if we look at the map together?” “Um..No ..Sure…” I said as I led him to the map. Now all this time I’m racking my brain trying to figure out who this is, or who put them up to it. I can’t tell you how good this guy was. He never flinched, got smiley, or came out of character at all. He really believed he was Santa Freaking Claus! When I said “hey do you mind if I take a picture of this,..um.. I mean us?” He started to sit down in a chair and patted on his knee. I have to admit that for about a millisecond I think I buckled my knees like this was normal and I should just go with it, but then the Adult in me found its way to the surface and I said “Hey….no offense man, but lets just stand”. No Offense? At this point everything gets sort of fuzzy. I’m not sure if I was really buying in to his act or if I was just trying to land the gig. I frankly don’t care who this guys thinks he is. If he is gonna pay. I’ll do the work. Besides, how much fun would it be to do time-lapse footage of a sleigh pulled by reindeer flying around the world. Santa eventually left. I’m not sure where he went.
Now the investigative work began of trying to figure out who? what? why? Many people offered suggestions. They said…”Oh I bet it is Travis” or “I think Mark did it”. My Mother by the way did not find it funny. She thought it was “weird” and “suspicious”. I assured her that the “Al Queda” 
had nothing to do with it. Luckily Santa has been named. It was the Manager of the Hilton Garden Inn next door to my office. He was popping into different offices in the area as a way to build new customer relationships. I have to tell you I was pretty bummed when I found out. Dang-it……..There is a piece of me that wanted him to be real. I can tell you this, my 2 year-old daughter thinks I have the best job ever. When I got home Heather (my wife) asked “Hey, how was your day” I replied “Oh is was pretty good, Santa Claus came by, but it was pretty normal other than that”. Glory ran to me and jumped in my lap with eyes super wide. The look on her face when she saw the pictures was priceless. She looked at the pictures and just smiled. She didn’t say anything for about 30 seconds. And then she said “Santa came to your work Daddy?” I said “Yep, Santa came to my work”. 15 more seconds of silence (still with a gigantic grin) then She said… “Daddy, I like that”.
I won’t tell her just yet that Santa was actually the nice manager from the hotel next door, just trying to do everything he can to increase his business.
Actually, truth be told, I sort of wish I didn’t know that either.
I’m Just Saying,
therealmattminor
The return of Whitney Houston
Admit it. If you are old enough to relate to this then you totally used to rock out to “I want to dance with somebody” when no one was looking. Well get ready because what you thought ended with the big-screen nightmare of “Bodyguard” isn’t over at all. By the way, I always thought that Whitney Houston and Mariah Cary were in some sort of “which diva can make the crappiest movie” race. I think Mariah won hands down with Glitter. Then it’s like they got into a “whose husband can hurt their career more” race. The winner has yet to be determined. I do know this though. Last week I saw a commercial that caught my attention. It was the voiceover guy. You know the voice from the movie previews. This is what he said;
“She is the most awarded female singer in American Music History………” (dramatic music underneath)
“She holds the billboard record for blah blah blah………….(that’s what I remember)
“Now, (long pause) in the most anticipated morning concert event of the summer…….Ms. Whitney Houston” “Sept 2 on Good Morning America”.
Whoa….Let’s back up just a second. The writers of this commercial have just masterfully handled the English language. “The most anticipated “morning” concert event of the summer? Maybe I’m not being fair. Maybe there really is a “morning” concert series. Maybe Bono and The Edge are sitting somewhere watching this commercial and thinking “what do we have to do…….we’ve worked so hard……..how do we break-in to the “morning” concert series?……We can’t even get on Regis and Kelly.” and then Bono just stands-up, flips over a coffee table, and says “Damn You Whitney Houston, AHHHHHHHHHHHH”. Maybe that’s what artists everywhere are thinking. Maybe Paul Mcartney just called Ringo and said “I’m sure glad George and John aren’t here to see this. It would make them sad. We never got to play in the morning”. Maybe I’m not giving Whitney enough credit because I’m unfamiliar with the genre. I don’t appreciate the “morning” concert events the way a “classical” music lover doesn’t appreciate NickelBack (correction, this should have read “I don’t appreciate the “morning” concert events the way a “music” lover doesn’t appreciate NickelBack).
Anyway, you go get’em Whitney. I hope you freaking kill it on the “morning’ concert events this week. I hope you leave the crowd speechless at Oprah. I even hope you and Costner do BodyGuard 2″. Hold your wig high this week Whitney. This is your time. Sure…..you’ll be bigger than you were in the eighties. Sure, you’ll capture a brand new audience. No, you are right. You didn’t trivialize your entire career with a little dousy called “Being Bobby Brown”. You go out there every morning this week at 5:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 AM Central and Dominate.
I’m Just Saying,
therealmattminor
Oh, I want to dance with somebody.....
unacceptable sin
Last night I heard a preacher on T.V say this; “The church needs to be a place where anyone can come as they are, without having to change their ways to join. We need to welcome people regardless of how they may differ from us.” I’ve got to say that this is one of those weird moments when the stars have aligned and I agree with the Telly Reverend from “First Church of 1080p”. But I think his statement has limitations. There are certain people whom no church could love and accept. At least I’ve never seen it happen.
No church could love the person who has lived a lifestyle of heckling. Their is still even great debate within the church about whether people are born heckling, or if they become hecklers because of crappy, godless parenting. Just think about it. How long would “The Church showing the love of Jesus” keep the heckler around? It would go down something like this on any given Sunday;
Pastor: “good morning”..
congregation: “…..(crickets…no response)
Pastor: “I SAID GOOOOD MORNING!”
congregation: …(the three most obnoxious people in the front chime in) GOOD MORNING! HA HA HA
Heckler: BOOOO ..YOU SUCK!
Pastor: ” (now nervous and timid) UM….we would like to welcome Mrs. Betty Mae Klingler today on her 97 birthd….
Heckler: HEARD IT!!!!!! GET A NEW ACT MORON!
Man in congregation to his wife: “Honey I love this church”
Music Pastor: “Now if you’ll turn in your hymnals to page 376 and stand as we sing….”
Heckler: (standing clapping his hands as if trying to get the congregation to join in)..”WHERE”S DANE COOK?, WHERE’S DANE COOK?, WHERE’S DANE COOK?”
I think I’ve painted a very clear picture of why this could be a problem. The heckler is so twisted that they regularly pay an entry fee and abide by the two drink minimum to commit their sin at comedy clubs around the world. That’s either total debauchery or total commitment depending on how you look at it. So to stay true to the cause and avoid false-advertising, churches from now on should say. “We love everybody right where they are with the love of Jesus…..except Hecklers”
I’m Just Saying,
therealmattminor
Dear Kate Gosselin
Ok guys – here is entry number 1 of the new blog. Most entries will not be this long. I just had to get something off of my chest. I hope to post at least twice per week. Feel free to comment.
Dear Kate,
After watching you for several years I think I need to be honest about something that is having a dreadful impact on your children, your husband, and “curvy” wives and mothers across our country. As has happened in the past, your black heart’s desire for narcissistic butchery has only had an affect on the women of North America. I suppose it might be having an effect on the curvy of Canada as well, but we wouldn’t report it in our news if their entire country was on fire, so we will never know. What I do know is that I am like you. I struggle with what you struggle with. I know what it feels like to have a monster inside that begs you to “take another risk”.
I remember some of my darkest days. It was 1984. I was nine. I played AAA baseball for the Lions. Clad in maroon and gold polyester we waged war and won the league championship. I was the fourth string right-fielder, At least that’s what they told me. Time has a funny way of revealing the truth, and now I know I didn’t do jack. I sucked. I was even lucky to get a number and a hat. There were only 12 kids on the team. 11 boys, and one girl. Yet, I never felt the well softened leather of a glove on my hand, or the cold tap of a metal bat against my Pony cleats. I never got to look the dragon of fear in the eyes as it left my coach’s hand and barreled towards me at 18mph (actually I did. Though I never got a single at bat, I was scared sh#tless even in my home away from home- the dugout). But I was a Lion none-the-less. All of those other redneck boys and the soon to be a lesbian girl had a rat tail, and I had to have one too. After the season was over I got healthy again, I lost the rat-tail and made the right decisions to get on with my life. I never hung out at Spinner’s Park again. No more astro-pops or fun-dip for me. Even at the tender age of 9 I realized that the problem I had wasn’t about what kind of hair I was wearing, it was about what kind of hair was wearing me. It wasn’t easy, but with focus and the right support around me, I was able to do it.
I know what you’re thinking Kate, “Matt, you don’t know me, you don’t know what I’ve been through, you didn’t really have a problem if you were able to quit cold-turkey”. Trust me Kate, I’ve been there. I’ve gotten my feet dirty walking the back-roads of a muddy heart. What you don’t know is that I relapsed later in life. There was high-school and the strong pull of the 90210 sideburns. You see Kate, In my heart I was Jason Priestly. No-one got a buzz off of sideburns like I did. Later their was “The Ceasar” when the hair-addict inside me thought he was from Rome and so desired to drive a chariot thru the streets of Tuscaloosa to my 8 oclock class. A short time later I once again entered recovery and decided to just let my hair go the way it wanted. Then my friends started noticing my wild, untethered locks, and started calling me “Scott Stapp” from Creed. Do you know what that does to the addict? Do you? Little did “my friends” know that their comments would lock me “in my own prison” once again. I would go to the mall, still stoned from the hair-high, and I’d fall to my knees in tears shouting profanities towards Master-Cuts and Regis….”Damn You”, I would say,”What have I done to deserve this madness”.
Kate, the truth is that I’ve lost many other battles in this war as well. There was the time when I went “to the bottle” and tried high-lights. But they were just a gateway drug to low-lights. Later their was the faux-hawk, and all the emo flavored damage it did. More recently I really went over the edge and experimented with something that’s only found on the black-market. Users call it “the Nigel”. I call it death. It’s a remix of the most alluring of all male-hair drugs- the mullet. I watched my friends try it, even my “Christian” music friends. Today I am healthy again (for now), but Kate like you many are not. They are still trapped in the steel jaws of addiction with their “business up front, party in the back”. I’ve watched the people I love plunge into a world with no titles or names for their drug. Guys like Aaron Keyes, and David Crowder. They never thought it would go this far Kate. As innocent children they never thought Kid from Kid-n-Play, or Duran Duran, or The Thompson Twins had cool hair. They used to judge them and call them junkies. But this is a slippery slope. Just one hit and before you know it you are miles from where you ever wanted to be, in a sea of textured layers, paste, and gel.
So Kate, I’m asking you. I’m begging you. For the love of your eight kids, and all that is good in reality TV, STOP! For the sake of women across the US (and maybe Canada?) STOP! STOP going into the salon and saying things like, “can you make it look like a beret on this side, and a sea anemone in the back?” STOP demanding that your stylist make the angle of your bob more obtuse. STOP leading women everywhere from towns like Trussville, Alabama into the throws of what I believe is the mullet for women. Curvy moms everywhere are roaming the streets asking anyone with scissors and product to give them “The Kate”. You can be free Kate. I am. Make no doubt about it. It’s a hard road. You’ll need to speak the language of recovery daily. You might even need 2 or 3 Church of God friends who can help remind you that happiness can be found without style and fashion. The first step is to admit that you look ridiculous, and that you have what appears to be a very yummy cinnamon pastry of some sort on your noggin. Next you will want to go to your local Aveda Salon and get into a support group. They can give you the help you need, but only if you want it. The Aveda program works if you work the program. There are recovering hair-addicts all around you Kate. You just have to get your sheep dog bangs in order so you can see them.
I’m Just Saying,
therealmattminor
Addiction isn't as cool ten years later.
If nothing changes, nothing changes…
Just the title of this post should make some of you react with “ooh that is amazingly profound. I want to subscribe to this blog”. At least that’s what I thought after I wrote it. Stay tuned to the blog. There is a major overhaul on the way. Everything will change, and by everything I mean 2 or 3 things.
I’m just saying…
therealmattminor
